Stanley N. Helton, President

Alberta Bible College

Calgary, Canada

Have you been anxious lately? Most of us have. From COVID-19 to political polarization, from travel restrictions to church conflict, from personal frustrations to professional stress, we have all been affected in some way by anxiousness. Those who lead are particularly susceptible to anxiety because we seek to be informed about the world around us. We take in more information and soundbites than most individuals as we want to be able to lead God’s people through this messy world. But honestly, the noise can be overwhelming. How are leaders to lead in times like these without getting sucked into the drama?

In this blog, I would like to offer a perspective on how leaders can stay focused during, and despite, the chaos around us. Unfortunately, given the nature of blogging, this will be a mere introduction to this perspective. Informed by a model of leadership that grows out of the work of family therapist Murray Bowen (see his work with Michael E. Kerr, Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory [New York: W. W. Norton, 1988]), I offer an approach to leadership that encourages leaders to be “non-anxious” within the organizations they serve. For this approach as applied to clergy, see Edwin H. Friedman (Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue [New York: Guilford Press, 1985]).

In short, these leadership specialists would underscore that churches—because they are composed of people—function as anxious families, some more anxious than others, to be sure. Thus, just like anxious people, they demand certainty, quick-fix answers, and someone else to be responsible. Furthermore, just in case you have not noticed, churches can easily polarize when they are anxious, jerking leaders into reactive answers and responses. Pastors can find themselves as either a parent in these anxious families, or sometimes as the problem child in the family. One does not have to look far in Scripture to observe Moses leading anxious, demanding followers, or to see the disciples of Jesus reprimanding Jesus for not thinking like they do.

Unquestionably, churches need non-anxious leaders who are not always reacting to the anxiety within and around the congregation, but who exhibit a peacefulness that can permeate the congregation and set the tone for how believers should live among each other. Given that we are leading in anxious times, how does non-anxious leaders guide their churches through these times? Here are a few of the things I have learned in my journey of becoming a more self-differentiated and non-anxious leader.

Know Where God is Taking You

If you have a clear sense of where God is taking you and why he has called you to lead the group of people under your care, you are less likely to be thrown off by the many demands of various people who think they know your job better than you do. In coaching individual leaders, I will ask where they think they are going or where God is taking them. I am not usually looking for certainty but a general sense of where God has been guiding and shaping the leader. If the leader can articulate a goal or outcome, I call this destination the person’s “X,” as if we were marking a treasure map. Then I initiate a conversation about the shortest distance between where the person is currently and their “X.” Unsurprisingly, that is a straight line between the two. Therefore, anything that is not on the line between you and your “X” is either a distraction or unnecessary for reaching your “X.” Also, thinking of the line between where you are and your “X” can aid leaders in figuring out what is important and what is not. So, if you don’t know where you are going, there is little chance you can guide a church to where God is taking it. Again, this is not necessarily a quest for certainty—who gets that in these times? —but only the next step forward.

Be the Calmest Person in the Room

Conflict, and its accompanying anxiety, will come our way. One leadership expert pointed out that we will all be affected by anxiety, but we have a measure of control over whether we will be infected by it. During times of polarization, people are either wanting to debate us or recruit us. The pressures are constant.

When the conversations get heated, one practice leaders can do to help those under their care is to become the “non-anxious presence” in the room. Leaders should commit to being the calmest person in the space. No can is ever fully non-anxious, but we can work toward being the calmest person in the room or conversation. If we are the calmest presence, we have a chance of bringing the group’s anxiety down so that more creative solutions can come forward. If we are rattled, that too will spread among those looking to us for leadership.

Manage Yourself

This sounds simple, but as you know, it is not as easy as it sounds. Connected to the previous point, if you know where God is taking you (at least in broad outline) then you need to do things that move you in that specific direction. You need to manage yourself, being aware of what is happening within you while also being attuned to what is going on around you. To practice being a non-anxious presence (despite what is going on in your head) amid anxious people and groups, managing yourself is key.

One of the checks on how well you are managing yourself is how much you blame others for your current situation. At this point I am reminded of the saying, “The leader is the person in the room not blaming others.” From the beginning of time, blame has been a basic way humans deflect responsibility. If we are willing to reflect on our avoidance and abdication of responsibility, then we can gain insights into the ways we do not manage ourselves well.

Getting a good sense of what is our responsibility, and what is not our responsibility, can set us free to manage what is truly in our control. Much is not in our power to regulate. The polarizing position that people take, the decisions world governments make, the way other people live their lives are but a few examples of what is out of our jurisdiction. So, what does belong to us? Our thoughts, words, emotions, and actions are our responsibility. How we respond to others is in our control. Consequently, we can choose to act non-anxiously when everyone else has forgotten their boundaries and are merely reacting.

If you found this conversation useful, you can find some of this kind of thinking in following books: Tod Bolsinger in Canoeing the Mountains: Christian Leadership in Uncharted Territory (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2015), Peter Steinke in Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2006), or How Your 21st-Century Church Family Works: Understanding Congregations as Emotional Systems, 2d ed. (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2021), and Ronald W. Richardson in his work Creating a Healthier Church: Family System Theory, Leadership, and Congregational Life (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1996). If you would like to learn more about this way of thinking about leadership, reach out to me at snhelton@gmail.com; I’d love to hear from you.