A Pastor’s True Story
“Why won’t you heal me, Lord?”
Have you ever asked that question? A pastor recalls that three years ago” I found myself in what felt like a deep spiritual hole.”
“I felt hopeless, dark, within my soul, and crying enough tears to fill the Grand Canyon. I felt like I was in a dark room and couldn’t find the doorknob to get out. I did not contemplate suicide, but I desperately wanted it to stop.”
“I found myself confessing any and every sin and every if this dark season wondering if this dark season was a byproduct of sin.
I gave ‘it’ the name of spiritual warfare and took it as part of the battle. The problem was it never seemed to go away.
ASHAMED OF MY DEPRESSION
I remember hearing the doctor’s words of telling me it was depression. I felt weak and like I was lesser of a person. I was terrified to lose my job as a pastor. I was afraid that the congregation would think that I was too unfit to lead them.
What if my elders found out? What if I lose church members? Thankfully I have loving elders and a loving church, but that fear was there. I knew that there is this deep-rooted stigma attached to depression, and I didn’t that fear there.
I didn’t want people to look at me differently or feel sorry for me as if I needed extra attention or needing to be coddled.
I lived with this secret for years and feared being found out. You see, I didn’t ask for depression to come my way and depression never asked me if it could come in. It just showed up unannounced with no invitation.”
IT DIDN’T GO AWAY
I remember hearing that people with depression should think positive thoughts. I did and it didn’t go away. I hear they should memorize scripture, I did, and it didn’t go away. Nothing seemed to help and I felt stuck. I don’t mean to be a joy or hope killer, but this is my reality. Do I believe God can help? This is why I took the approach of desperately pleading with Him to heal me.
I remember pleading with Him, “Why won’t you heal me?” I told Him I could be a more effective husband, father, and pastor…but no answer. I have become frustrated at times, even angry. But ultimately, I have learned to accept it and know that His grace is sufficient. Don’t get me wrong, I still pray to be freed and healed, but I’ve learned to trust the thron I have.
SO WHAT DO WE DO?
You may be asking, “So what do I do if I have depression?” I know there are times when you feel like there is no way out and no one understands. I feels like you’re in a tunnel at times and there is no solution for this battle.
Understand this: I am not a mental health professional, but from my experience, here are several things I would tell you.
*See a professional. Sometimes the Lord will use this to help you in your battle. Seeking medical advice for dealing with your depression could be how God has chosen to help you.
*Find a safe person to share your honest thoughts and feelings with. Talking about it in a safe environment will often help you to find some momentary victories.
*Rely daily on His grace. Know that God is not punishing you, or has left you. I can tell you first hand that your emotions and the enemy want you to feel this way, but the Word of God promises otherwise.
*Pray (even when you don’t feel like praying.) We have a great promises in Romans 8:26 that the Spirit covers them in His fullness. This is great news. No matter how lacking you feel your prayers are the Spirit intercedes on our behalf.
*Fight against false shame and guilt. As Paul says, “Take every thought captive,” otherwise your thoughts will take you over.” You will have to fight the battle for your mind. This is very hard, but you can do it.
*It doesn’t define you. You are so much more than your depression.
I understand this blog post will not be the silver bullet or solution to your depression, but I hope and pray that it helps bring some clarity and comfort knowing that you are not alone.
Help is available right now 7 days a week.
Contact Shepherd’s Care of the Kingdom Partnership. We can help with the feeling of isolationism and loneliness to larger life issues. We have multiple resources, mental health care coaches, and mentors.
There is no cost. We want to help you!
Shepherd’s Care Assistance 402.687.7867 Go to: www.thekingdompartership.us
National Suicide Hotline: 988 or text to: HOME to 741741 and you will reach a trained Crisis Counselor
